Dissolving into the infinite

I sit on the sofa, with D in front of me. He just arrived, as we had agreed the day before. He said ”I noticed a resistance, like my timing was off?” and yes… he was so right. I had four more hazelnuts I wanted to munch down, before we got started. Felt a bit embarrassed at myself, chewing, chewing, chewing. As he raises the slightly off-vibes, immediately I drop into the NOW, and realize, here is a person who sees so much more than that which is visible using only the eyes. An hour long therapeutic process awareness experience commenced, widening me, to the extent that I felt I was close to being without boundaries – so far outside of my own body, it’s almost scary. But just almost. I would not trade that experience for anything in the world.

Being seen. Held. Loved.

Tears and laughter.

Deep anguish, as well as the most divine experience of slowly dissolving into the infinite, that which is me, and outside of me, ‘til the end of spacetime…translucent

I don’t know how to describe what D leads me to experience, but it’s something other than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s going within, while simultaneously going out, far and wide, reaching all that is, has been and will be.

When we are done, and I’ve landed again, somewhat at least, within the confines of my own body, there is a translucent feeling to it, to me. I am tired. Like having run a marathon… or so I imagine, since I never have.

Time disappeared as we sat opposite each other on the sofa. All that was, was all that is. All. And nothing. At the same time.

I saw more of me.
Saw those that came before me, the generations upon generations of women who have given birth to babies, who in turn bore babies, and somewhere along the line this resulted in my mother giving birth to me. And me giving birth to my daughter.

About holding it in…. or not.
The pivotal moment in time when the path ahead, for the women stemming from my womb, going back all the way to the womb of my First Mother, shifts, no longer carrying the weight, the burden, of judgement and inner harshness, concealed within. Letting it out into the world. Being, perhaps, created by those who cannot stand to see it, visibly, so used to it being concealed. Cringing from the physical aspects of it, when it is recreated outside, rather than sneakily hidden underneath the skin, the flesh, deep within our soulbodies. So much easier to ignore, pretend it’s not existing, turning it into something that-we-must-not-name…

About the jagged sensation of Worry.
And the much softer and huggable Concern.

Running a gauntlet.
Not because of the session itself, but because that’s what I have been doing, inside myself, for so long. So long I almost cry thinking about it. And cry I did. Oh, how I cried. For what has been. And what might be.

Dream-paralysis.
Lethargy.
Heavy. So heavy I cannot even flutter an eyelid. Impossible to move.
And yet… the ability to move is there. I choose not to. But why? Why?

Tired.
Oh, so tired, from running that gauntlet.
Feeling so alone. Absolutely alone, with no assistance… and then D reaches out his being to me, and hold me with his eyes.

Crying, desperately. But for once, sharing the burden of my pain, not alone in it, not having to carry it all alone. D is there, helping me carry… and I can imagine what it would feel like, to let go of all the responsibility that is not mine to carry, that I have been lugging around, for eons of time… believing that I should? That I would have no value unless I took it all on?

Oh. Be gentle. I am still learning. Stumbling about on earth, doing the best I can, failing miserably at times, exultingly successful other times. And meanwhile, putting myself through that gauntlet, over and over, a never-ending story.

Or? Might my time as a gauntlet-runner be coming to an end? Now that I’ve seen it, experienced it, become aware, so aware, excruciatingly painfully aware of what I’ve been internally putting myself through, out of… what? Fear?

Pure. Innocent.
Might I be? Am I allowed to be? To just Be? Aware?
Letting go of all that has been, being reborn. Like Phoenix, reborn from the fire, rising from the burning embers, flapping it’s wings and flying off… Being, Aware, and only carrying theweight of the responsibility that is Mine to carry. Letting the rest burn off, turn to ashes in that fire.

Liberated.
Jivanmukta.

As I write this, it’s there once more. The sensation. Dissolving into infinity.
At least, I feel it again, I revisit it as I write. I close my eyes, and it is within me. The liberation, experiencing the moment that is what is, all that ever has been, and all that will ever be. In one single point. Now.

Have I ever had an experience as humbling as this?

Goal completed!

I use Runkeeper since many years by now, and the past two (or three?) years I’ve set year long goals for walking, biking and swimming. Last year was the first time I actually managed to reach all my goals, but this year, I teamed up with my daughter on setting shorter goals, for three months in a row. If nothing else to stop me from coming to the last month of the year and having 90% of the swimming goal left to meet.

So on January 1st I set goals to swim 4 km, bike 300 km and walk 250 km by March 31st.  My daughter also set goals for the same type of activities, and the same time period, but personalized goals suiting her.

TGoal runkeeperoday I reached the first goal, as I’ve been crawling one kilometer each day for the past three days, while staying at a hotel with a wonderful 20 m pool in the basement. I’ve been in Germany for work, and as luck has it, the hotel we live in is a fancy one, so…. I’ve made the most of it, and today clocked in at 4,5 km total (as I had already a 1,5 km swim logged since earlier this year).

So now I have to set a new swimming goal for myself. Am thinking of upping the ante a bit, not because I must, or feel I need to, but because I really really enjoy swimming, and having this goal makes me get out of the house and go to a pool to swim. So it does work as a sort of a trigger. But be not mistaken, I am doing this for me, because I enjoy swimming.

What do you enjoy doing, that you sometimes don’t take the time, or effort, to ensure that you actually do?

This blog post, number 5 of 100, is a part of the #blogg100 challenge currently running in Sweden

Shake it off!

This one is for my daughter, even though I know she prefers the original version by Taylor Swift. But I love Postmodern Jukebox, so here it is, in a great cover version:

The message she picks up on is the wisdom in actually shaking things off, when they don’t serve us, and just going for it, really, do your thing if it lights you up, regardless of what other people say. I like the sound of that right now.

What do you feel like shaking off at the moment?

My greatest teacher

Today my daughter turns fifteen. Fifteen years ago my life had just turned upside down as me and my then husband split up just five weeks before Alma was born. In all that turmoil, there was one thing which was rock solid regardless of the spinning motion of the world around me, and that was becoming a mother to this little person, who turned out to be Alma (whose name means soul in Spanish).Darling girl

As time went by, the turmoil slowly resided, and everyday life kicked in as we created a life together. Over time, our lives have taken new turns leading us to where we are at today. And when I look at where I am at, as a human being, knowing and looking within myself, Alma has been a pivotal person for my personal development.

Beloved AlmaSo I thank you Alma, for being my greatest teacher. I’ve learned so much together with you, and when I first started to look within myself, being the best mother to you that I am capable of being was definitely a motivating factor for me.

Besides learning a lot from being your mother, I also have a lot of fun with you, and I truly look forward to having a lot more fun with you in the days, months and years ahead.

Being a part of each others lives also means we get to ride the high’s and low’s of life together, and I cherish all of it, as it makes life so much richer. I wouldn’t trade being your mother for anything in the world.

Loka Brunn

Happy birthday, my beloved Alma!

I love you, and I am grateful every day for having you in my life. ❤

 

If not me, who? If not now, when?

Yesterday my daughter posted a link to the talk Emma Watson did for the UN Headquarters on the launch of the HeForShe-campaign, and wrote a little prompt encouraging her Facebook-friends to watch it, in her very wise ways. Today we watched the clip together and it gladdened me to hear my daughter say ”I’d like to make a contribution to that campaing somehow!” when we’d watched it to the end. Please spend some 14 minutes watching it yourself if you haven’t already:

There is a lot to be said about gender inequalities, but I’ll focus on the same thing that my daughter picked up on in her prompt, namely:

HeForShe

Really good questions those, that I definitely will keep top of mind. But not necessarily questions I need to answer with my intellect, when I ask them silently within. Perhaps they had better just be asked, and reflected upon, letting wisdom shine through and give me the answers.

Imagine the change we all can be in the world, if we ask ourselves this when we hesitate if we really can make a dent in the universe:

If not me, who? If not now, when?