Dissolving into the infinite

I sit on the sofa, with D in front of me. He just arrived, as we had agreed the day before. He said ”I noticed a resistance, like my timing was off?” and yes… he was so right. I had four more hazelnuts I wanted to munch down, before we got started. Felt a bit embarrassed at myself, chewing, chewing, chewing. As he raises the slightly off-vibes, immediately I drop into the NOW, and realize, here is a person who sees so much more than that which is visible using only the eyes. An hour long therapeutic process awareness experience commenced, widening me, to the extent that I felt I was close to being without boundaries – so far outside of my own body, it’s almost scary. But just almost. I would not trade that experience for anything in the world.

Being seen. Held. Loved.

Tears and laughter.

Deep anguish, as well as the most divine experience of slowly dissolving into the infinite, that which is me, and outside of me, ‘til the end of spacetime…translucent

I don’t know how to describe what D leads me to experience, but it’s something other than anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s going within, while simultaneously going out, far and wide, reaching all that is, has been and will be.

When we are done, and I’ve landed again, somewhat at least, within the confines of my own body, there is a translucent feeling to it, to me. I am tired. Like having run a marathon… or so I imagine, since I never have.

Time disappeared as we sat opposite each other on the sofa. All that was, was all that is. All. And nothing. At the same time.

I saw more of me.
Saw those that came before me, the generations upon generations of women who have given birth to babies, who in turn bore babies, and somewhere along the line this resulted in my mother giving birth to me. And me giving birth to my daughter.

About holding it in…. or not.
The pivotal moment in time when the path ahead, for the women stemming from my womb, going back all the way to the womb of my First Mother, shifts, no longer carrying the weight, the burden, of judgement and inner harshness, concealed within. Letting it out into the world. Being, perhaps, created by those who cannot stand to see it, visibly, so used to it being concealed. Cringing from the physical aspects of it, when it is recreated outside, rather than sneakily hidden underneath the skin, the flesh, deep within our soulbodies. So much easier to ignore, pretend it’s not existing, turning it into something that-we-must-not-name…

About the jagged sensation of Worry.
And the much softer and huggable Concern.

Running a gauntlet.
Not because of the session itself, but because that’s what I have been doing, inside myself, for so long. So long I almost cry thinking about it. And cry I did. Oh, how I cried. For what has been. And what might be.

Dream-paralysis.
Lethargy.
Heavy. So heavy I cannot even flutter an eyelid. Impossible to move.
And yet… the ability to move is there. I choose not to. But why? Why?

Tired.
Oh, so tired, from running that gauntlet.
Feeling so alone. Absolutely alone, with no assistance… and then D reaches out his being to me, and hold me with his eyes.

Crying, desperately. But for once, sharing the burden of my pain, not alone in it, not having to carry it all alone. D is there, helping me carry… and I can imagine what it would feel like, to let go of all the responsibility that is not mine to carry, that I have been lugging around, for eons of time… believing that I should? That I would have no value unless I took it all on?

Oh. Be gentle. I am still learning. Stumbling about on earth, doing the best I can, failing miserably at times, exultingly successful other times. And meanwhile, putting myself through that gauntlet, over and over, a never-ending story.

Or? Might my time as a gauntlet-runner be coming to an end? Now that I’ve seen it, experienced it, become aware, so aware, excruciatingly painfully aware of what I’ve been internally putting myself through, out of… what? Fear?

Pure. Innocent.
Might I be? Am I allowed to be? To just Be? Aware?
Letting go of all that has been, being reborn. Like Phoenix, reborn from the fire, rising from the burning embers, flapping it’s wings and flying off… Being, Aware, and only carrying theweight of the responsibility that is Mine to carry. Letting the rest burn off, turn to ashes in that fire.

Liberated.
Jivanmukta.

As I write this, it’s there once more. The sensation. Dissolving into infinity.
At least, I feel it again, I revisit it as I write. I close my eyes, and it is within me. The liberation, experiencing the moment that is what is, all that ever has been, and all that will ever be. In one single point. Now.

Have I ever had an experience as humbling as this?

Being aware

What does it make you think? Feel?
What do you associate with being aware?
Do you think of yourself as being aware? Or not?
Do you have a role model, someone who personifies being aware for you?

And how do you Do awareness?
What is the relationship between being and doing awareness?
How can you tell when another person acts out of awareness? Or when he/she doesn’t? Is it visible somehow?

Is there a limit, a point where you are fully aware, saturated, unable to become more aware? If so, can human beings reach that point? Is it even desirable?

Does it have a color? A symbol?
What is the language of awareness? Does it exist?
Or will we – together – make the language of being aware come to form?
Are there any rituals connected to being aware?
Or might we – together – create some?

What is made possible when you live life out of a place of heightened awareness?
What happens to you? Those around you? The world?
Is anything made impossible when living life out of a place of heightened awareness?

What would the world look like with a raised awareness in humankind?

being aware

Starting Sunday I will be immersing myself into being aware and I am very curious to discover what will arise from the experience. Until then, I’ll dip my toe into it, getting into the mood, tasting it, trying to get a feel for it, discovering the texture of it, recognizing and perhaps building up the energy of awareness within me.

And yes, I’ll share the process with you, here, because somehow, blogging is one way I get in touch with myself, discover myself within the words, the images, the sensations that arise within when I write. It’s a way for me to be aware.

Perhaps I’ll sit with the questions I’ve written above. Perhaps I’ll blog about what comes to mind. But I am also curious. About what comes to mind for you? Would you mind sharing your thoughts about being aware with me?

I’m the fly on the wall

I just started the 10-pack series on Balance in my Headspace-app, and it started off with Andy talking about what balance is to him. I really enjoyed what he said, even though I don’t remember it verbatim. So I’ll just try to use my own words, because I want to share this.

Balance doesn’t mean level, even, a straight line without up’s and down’s. No, that’s not what balance is to me.

Balance, to me, means riding the roller coaster that is life, with all the up’s and down’s, speed changes, bumps and the occasional stop, without getting swept off my feet.

Balance means experiencing my high’s fully, without believing that it’s only when I am high that I can be happy and grateful.

Balance means experiencing my low’s fully, without believing that it’s impossible to be happy and grateful when I am low.

Balance means being ok with, and accepting, what is, in the moment, feeling it, experiencing it, being fully there.

Balance means laughing my head off, or crying my heart out, with the knowing that the strong emotion will pass, in time, however long or short. Being able to be 100% in the feeling, while at the same time being aware that it’s a passing feeling.

fly on wallThere is something very dual in it for me, because it’s both being inside myself, feeling and experiencing fully, while simultaneously being aware of what I am feeling and experiencing, as if I have also taken a step outside myself, being able to bear witness upon myself and my experience.

It’s as if I am being me, but also a fly on the wall looking at me. *haha* I promise I did not see that analogy coming, but now that it’s here, I like it. Because it explains my experience quite well. I’m me, but also the fly on the wall.

Have you ever felt like that?

Isn’t life grand?

20140327-195245.jpgAt least that’s a feeling I spend a lot of time with lately. It’s a very fleeting sensation though, it comes and goes. One second I can be in the middle of that senstion, and the other it’s lost. I do greatly enjoy it when it visits though, and I had such an experience yesterday, while out walking.

Part of the joy of life for me, is the very fact that my experience of it fluctuate so much. With every new thought there is the chance to experience new turns on the roller coaster of life – going up or down – since my feeling is a direct result of my thinking. Not too long ago, I lacked this understanding of the nature of life.And those days I chased the highs, and despised myself for falling into the lows. I rarely experience that anymore. Of that I am grateful, I must say.

However, last night, I enjoyed the grandness of life to its fullest:

Isn’t life grand?