I miss me

Came home after a full day of meetings.

Went out into the garden.
A run-away hen. Picked her up and lifted her into the coop confinement.
Sun shining brightly. Deep blue sky.
A crispness to the air, typical of the early fall weather.

Apples ripening on the trees.
Some of the leaves of the trees in the garden starting to turn. The mulberry tree in particular, gorgeous yellow-colored leaves.

Spot the last rose in bloom. Cradle its velvety petals in my hands. Pull it towards my face. Inhale deeply, slowly closing my eyes, just drinking it in.

velvety petals

Realize something important.

I miss me.

I’ve been unusually (for me) occupied with work and travels for the past several weeks. Somewhere along the line of these past few years, I’ve gotten used to hanging out much more just with myself, being able to control my own schedule to a larger extent. So after these past weeks, I miss me.

Luckily, tomorrow is my day! Beginning this fall, I’ve set aside a day a week in my calendar that is my day. To do with what I want. If I want to work, I work. If I want to read a book, I read a book. If I want to take a dance walk, I take a dance walk. I make a deliberate attempt to not book any meetings on my days, unless it’s something I really want to do. If I want to… well, I’m sure you get the picture by now.

I so look forward to connecting with myself tomorrow.
Have you ever felt the same? Missing yourself?

Let it choose us.

I am taking part in the global U.Lab course of Transforming Business, Society, and Self, and as a part of week two, we were given a five-minute clip from The Legend of Bagger Vance to watch:

It’s a great clip, and as I watched it, or perhaps, more like it, listened to it, deeply listened with all that I am, goose bumps spread all over my body.

Especially this part,where Bagger Vance says:

There’s a perfect shot trying to find every one of us.
All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way…
…and let it choose us.
Look at him, he in the field.
You can’t see that flag as some dragon you got to slay.
You’ve got to look with soft eyes.See the place where the tides, and the seasons…
…the turning of the earth…
…all come together.
Where everything that is…
…becomes one.
You’ve got to seek that place, with your soul, Junuh.

Seek it with your hands, don’t think about it, feel it.
Your hands are wiser than your head’s ever gonna be.
I can’t take you there…
…just hopes I can help you find a way.

BoldomaticPost_Seek-it-with-your-hands-don-tIf ever there was a perfect description of what it’s like to enable another person to find their way, this is it. I’ve experienced it, in coaching as well as in conversations with friends and loved ones. I’ve been helped to find my way (but have also found it myself, in those instances of flow that seem to happen all to seldom), and I’ve helped others find theirs. I’ve witnessed others being helped along as well. And regardless of my part in it, it’s an amazing sensation, to experience, to witness, to assist, when a soul finds a way forward, getting out of the way and letting it choose us.

Letting it choose us. Surrendering to what wants to happen. Letting it flow.

Letting it choose you. Because something does want to happen. And it’s not something you can construct with rational thought. It’s felt. It comes.

So ask yourself: What wants to happen here?

Everyday life

Out of body. And possibly out of mind as well… That’s what it feels like.

And, well. No. I’m not, neither of them. But I am definitely keen on heading home, that’s for sure. While going through security at Heathrow on Sunday, for my fourth flight in eight days I had a hard time to stay focused, and for a while there, I was having a deja-vu feeling of being in Düsseldorf on my way home after the Summit for Human Potential Realisation.

Not so, of course. I’m flying home with my 16 other choir members and our conductor Jens after our UK tour. And oh how I long for home right now (as I am writing this, on the plane).

morgonmatI want to sleep in my own bed. Next to my husband, snuggle up close and breathe him in. Hug the children. Sit down with them all to dinner, hearing about their ongoings this past week. Have a green smoothie in the morning, and a bowl of fruit with yoghurt for lunch. Let the chickens out of the coop in the morning, and take a stroll out into the garden later on in the day, checking for freshly lain eggs.

As I write, the out-of-body-sensation starts to creep up on me again, as I dream myself away into my ordinary everyday life at home… the smells, sounds, sensations. The daily chores of housekeeping. I even long for the task of hanging and folding some laundry. So maybe, I have gone out of my mind after all?

Podcast 39/52 – Chickensoup for the soul

Thursday to Sunday have been a long enjoyable chickensoup for the soul-moment for me, as I’ve been travelling in England with my choir. England have greeted us with the most magnificent fall weather, and we’ve taken in the sights, sounds and smells of Oxford and its surroundings. On Saturday we sang in Enstone parish church of St Kenelm’s, and it was a joy. Good accoustics and an attentive audience, including both a touch of royalty (as the Swedish princess Margareta attended, being a resident of Enstone) as well as one sweet soul who let out the most appreciative ahhh at the end of each song. (And no, it wasn’t someone in pain, trust me, I know the difference!)On Sunday (today that is) we will sing in the service at 11 am in St Paul’s chuch in Covent Garden, also known as the actor’s church, as well as give a repeat concert at 1 pm.On account of all this music, as podcast tip 39/52, I wanted to share a special episode of On Being with you, the one featuring Yo-Yo Ma, world-reknown cellist. And, as it turned out, an extremely interesting human being, with such a great knowing of why he does what he does. 

I’ve listened to this episode, both the edited as well as the uncut version, many times, and each time I am left with the most lovely sensation of deep inner calm coupled with a great appreciation for the wisdom available to us all. Yo-Yo Ma personifies this for me, and I hope you will take the time to listen. And don’t be fooled by all this talk of music, it’s definitely a conversation spanning a wide array of life, including music, but really centering on Yo-Yo Ma’s love and interest of humanity.

Music is what happens in between the notes, Yo-Yo Ma says, and I can only agree. In between the notes, my soul is restored, my mind can take leaps of joy as well as sorrow, and it is truly chickensoup for the soul. For me, listen to, or creating, music is definitely one of my favorite pastimes to sooth as well as vigorate my soul. What’s the best chickensoup for your soul?  

Upplevaren vs Observatören

I somras, när jag körde bil med familjen, sa yngsten plötsligt:

En sak jag gillar med Michael Jackson är att han visar både sin manliga och kvinnliga sida.

Oj som jag hajade till. Michael Jackson snurrade just då i dotras Apple Music-lista som vi lyssnade till under vår bilfärd, så att han tänkte på Michael Jackson var inte underligt i sig, men oaktat det, så var det ett uttalande som förvånade mig. Inser att jag har lätt att undervärdera unga hjärnor ibland. Upptäcker det i sådana här stunder, när min reaktion närmast blir en av förvåning och ‘Var kom det där ifrån?‘. Som om jag inte riktigt tror honom om att tänka en sådan tanke. 


Blir nyfiken och vill veta mer när sånt där sker, både om det som väckte min nyfikenhet, men också om vad det är i mig som skapar förvåningen. I den givna stunden så fick jag också veta mer, eftersom jag lyfte min fundering, och sonen gav en lite djupare förklaring till just denna tanke; om Michael Jackson och de medfödda maskulina och feminina delar som vi alla har i oss, mer eller mindre. Och sen mindes jag händelsen tillräckligt länge för att sätta mig ner och reflektera kring det, i skriven form.Insikt. Som sagt. Jag får syn på mig själv och mina trossatser, förutfattade meningar och normer, genom att jag har blivit bättre på att både uppleva nuet och iaktta mig i nuet. Ett slags dubbelliv. Något jag är väldigt tacksam för, för just det dubbla, att både uppleva och samtidigt observera/bevittna, har gjort mitt liv så mycket mer intressant att leva! 

I nuläget skulle jag nog uppskatta att jag är i ganska god balans mellan de där två polerna, Upplevaren och Observatören. Men det är inte så jag levt merparten av mitt liv, långt ifrån. Tidigare var Upplevaren stamgäst, och Observatören gjorde endast ett fåtal enstaka gästspel, och det ganska sällan dessutom. Vem av Observatören eller Upplevaren upplever du är dominant i ditt liv?

Silly attachment?

Witnessing attachment all over. Within myself. In my beloved family members. In people standing in front of me in the queue to the boat shuttle to Saint-Tropez. In parents scolding their children at restaurants. 

Everywhere. Attachment to a specific outcome. To a certain way of doing things. Of how to behave, act, speak. 

And specifically – attachment to our own thoughts. If the thoughts we got attached to were thoughts with pleasant accompanying feelings, well, it wouldn’t really be so bad would it? But so much of the attachment is to the thoughts with accompanying feelings leading to damning results. Where I storm off, feeling totally insulted, belittled, ashamed, embarrassed… All because a thought popped into my mind, generating this feeling, and then *magic trick* having me believe in it! How I wish I had a magic trick to reverse that, making me un-believe it. Because so often what I get attached to is just plain silly stuff, that really don’t matter at all in the big picture. What do I want to spend my time and energy on? Attachment to small petty stuff, really not anchored in values and virtues that I would like to be associated with, both when I think about me and when other people do? Or truly, living my values, making them a way of my Now, painting the picture of my every moment in shades and hues of those very values and virtues? Why do I let attachment to silly stuff stop me, from living my values? And does it?

A Symphony of Energy

Spontaneously throughout the Summit for Human Potential Realisation, a Symphony of Energy has come into being. Not once. Not twice. Many times. All Symphonies totally unique, never to be repeated again.

Someone starts to hum. Or sing. Or ding a spoon against a glass. A clap of hands, the stomp of a foot. One by one, souls join in. Adding their own tune, tone, rhythm, movement to the symphony. Expanding it. Turning it into something more, something else. Transforming it. Enriching it. There are no rights or wrong, there just is, what is. Nothing more. Nothing else. And yet, in the moment of collective cocreation of a Symphony of Energy, there is everything. The entire universe condenses into the space opening up to it, held within the dancing humming singing clapping energy, like a group of young children happily bouncing about on a flowering field in summer, laughing, skipping, doing cart-wheels and clapping hands, peals of laughter and excited shouts of joy filling the air waves.

Sorry, too busy living, no time to pose for you.

”Sorry, too busy living life to pose for you, and by the way I see my friend over there!”, said the Peacock, dancing away on the castle grounds.

It’s one of the strongest sensations I bring with me as I head home after the close of the summit, this amazing feeling of co-creating a symphony of energy together with others. Amazing.

All made possible out of the generosity and willingness of individuals to surrender, collectively, to what wants to happen, in the here and the now. To dance and play, to live, to love, to be.

I’m sitting here writing this, remembering, feeling the Symphony of Energy within me, the memory resided in me, fully, in Body, Mind and Soul alike. Tears well up in my eyes, gratitude pulses through me. The feeling that comes to me, strongly, enforcing its message, shouting out loud, proud and happy.

The massage is clear. As I take it in, I know it to be true, and my gratitude multiplies:

I live.

Connective harmonies

At first.
There is nothing.


A hum.
A deep, vibrating hum.

Grounding me.

The vibrations enter me, Body, Mind, Soul.
All starts to vibrate within me.


I start to hum.
Cannot keep it in.
Out it comes.

A deep, vibrating hum.
Grounding me even deeper.

Blending with the existing hum, weaving back and forth. Together.
More voices join in.
The hum grows, in strength and resonance.

When I close my eyes, the overtones are apparent within me. I can feel the vibrations, starting with the base notes, slower vibrations, at the root of my being. Vibrations spread upwards within me, octave upon octave. Soon there is a symphony of resonance engulfing me, I cannot tell my boundaries, I am dissolving, becoming a part of a big humming body, in resonance, together.

I have to breathe.

I stop humming. Deep intake of breath. My boundaries solidifies again, as I stand surrounded by the vibrations, letting them carry me while breathing.

When I’ve replenished my body with fresh air, the hum within cannot be contained anymore, so out it comes, rejoining the choir of humming voices. Together again.

Once more, I start to dissolve, the world around me disappear, all there is is this co-creation, a being made up of voices, filling me up.

Every cell of my body sings, I go from humming a sonorous base tone to a high-pitched tone, clear, wordless. It’s the voice of an angel coming through me, soaring high on unlimited and unconditional love, dancing on the threads of vibrations, expressing the exuberant joy of experiencing Heaven on Earth.

It goes on and on.
Time ceases to exist.
What is. Is.

And then. Collectively, as one, we lower our voices, the energy remains, but more contained, concentrated, slowly dissolving, like a mist, dispersed by the ray of sunshine.

Voices go silent, one after another, keeping the hum within, rather than letting it out into the world. Like a ball of energy, nesting deep within the soul of each participant, a proof of our connection, a reminder of our human potential. The ability to start with nothing and out of it create a symphony of resonance.

One single hum remains…wonder

And then.

Except deep within our souls,
where the ball of energy remains,

a reminder of Heaven on Earth.

In need of stillness

Second full (and also the last) day of the Summit for Human Potential Realization is coming to a close and I am in need of stillness.Vanessa Jane Smith of Crafting Connection has been the visual facilitator throughout the summit and as always, it’s absolutely amazing having someone of her ability and talent capturing the words, feelings and energies of what is happening and turning it into something visual. And beautiful!

Right now, after 2,5 days of intense experiences and emotions, I feel an urge to do just what this little figure (drawn by Vanessa on day 1, a small sample of her artistry) is doing. Sitting on a beach, overlooking the faraway mountains, contemplating life, reflecting, integrating, being in the stillness. Know that feeling?

At a loss for words

Yeah. I truly am. At a loss for words. I’ve given and received on so many levels, used so much of that which is available to me to use when interacting and co-creating with other souls here on Earth, accompanying them, side by side, heart by heart, that there’s nothing more to do but go to sleep. After a day of expansion, expansion, expansion, it is time to integrate, internalise and stabilise. 

I’ve experienced a full day in the love bubble, and the only thing remaining in me right now are a few silly giggles as I write this. And hopefully enough energy to brush my teeth and get out of my clothes and into my Indian nighty… but no more words. That’s for sure.

When were you last at a loss for words?