Podcast 12/52 – why we are here!

Yesterday I had another one of those ”Wow, this podcast is so good, I want to listen to it again, as soon as I’m done listening to it the first time around”-moments, and the podcast that made me all excited was the One You feed-episode with Glennon Doyle Melton.

I found a lot of really significant passages in the conversation in this podcast, and a few of them went straight to my heart. One of them centers on the habit we have of not sharing our vulnerability with each other. Glennon tells a story of when she wrote a post on Facebook, sharing her vulnerability in 25 bullets. The response was amazing and supportive, but also, people dared to show their vulnerability with her, after she had shown her. And she was struck by the fact that people she knew, she only really thought she knew, because there was so much pain and hard experiences in their life, that they had never shared with her. She shares her reaction to this, in the podcast:

I was pissed! Because what are we doing? Why are we even calling each other friends? We sit together and we’re talking about things that do not matter, and you’re in so much pain, and I have the same pain. This just gotta be what we’re here for: to talk about this stuff! 

hold backNow, why is it like that? Why do we barely go skin-deep? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? Why do we hold back, from sharing our pains, losses, grievances, but also our joys, tender moments and highest wishes and dreams? And why do we believe the mind-made monsters about what will happen if we are wholehearted and vulnerable, when  in my experience, usually it’s the opposite. Yes, there will be haters, but haters will be haters, to quote Taylor Swift, and why should we (or I) let that stop me? And what I have received in love and connection on account of opening up and being vulnerable, far surpasses the ”hate-responses”.

And still. I hold back. I shy away. I hold my tongue, for fear of the reaction, even though I know that if someone came to me with what I am dying to share, I would open my arms and heart and just hold a space for whomever it was who shared their vulnerability. Why don’t I think others would do the same for me? Isn’t that why we are here?

 

Podcast 10/52 – a pledge and a challenge

“I have no intake at all of any feedback or criticism from anyone who’s not in the arena.”

That’s one of the quotes from this episode of Good Life Project with Brené Brown that really hit home for me: Brené Brown – On Gratitude, Vulnerability and and Courage.

She talks about what type of feedback she’s getting, and how she’s gotten very self knowledgeable as to what type of feedback she’ll even begin to consider to take in. The ones filled with love, with ”you’ve changed my life”, or the even grander ”you’ve saved my life”, she doesn’t want to read. It’s too much for her, and it’s not constructive, in the sense it doesn’t give her anything to work further with. The ones filled with hatred, she’s not looking at, at all, there’s no sense in that, whatsoever. What she does like are the constructive ones, suggesting she look into someone else research, a book or a study she should have included in her own research, and so on.

All of that makes perfect sense to me, but what really hit home was that quote that I shared at the top:

BoldomaticPost_I-have-no-intake-at-all-of-an

What she’s saying there is this: if you are not vulnerable, putting yourself out there, in any way, shape or form, I’m not going to listen to what you have to say about me being vulnerable and putting myself out there.

I remember when I first listened to this episode. I heard what she said. All of a sudden, it made such perfect sense to me! Anyone not daring to be vulnerable, sharing themselves in that honest, open and authentic way (in any kind of arena, in any form, but putting themselves out there!) that Brené herself does so well, is not a good judge/critic of my vulnerability, of me putting myself out there. But if you do put yourself out there, if you are amongst those daring to be vulnerable, I am very interested in taking in what you have to share.

Today, on the International Women’s Day of 2015, that’s the message I want to help spread – if you dare to be vulnerable, then please also dare to reject the criticism and hatred of those who dare not, those who share not. Hatred doesn’t come from those who dare, it doesn’t come from those who share. No, from those on the arena, you will receive love, respect, compassion and empathy.

BoldomaticPost_I-will-dare-to-be-vulnerableSo this is my pledge:
I will dare to be vulnerable.
I will put myself out on the arena.
I will share and be love.

And here’s my challenge to you:
Dare to be vulnerable.
Put yourself out on the arena of your choice.
Share and be love. 

I’m hoping more people will dare to be vulnerable, because I think that’s the way forward to that loving society that I envision. So. Is this a challenge you’re willing to take on?

 

 

Holding a space of love

Being held in a space of love is for me a great place to be coached from. But being held in this way is something that I’ve experienced in many different settings.

My MasterMind-group is a great example of this, and I think that is part of the success that group is/has. Being held in a space of love means that I can be me, full out, without feeling like I have to guard my human experience. I can just be, and tell my MasterMinders where I am at. Full stop. Daring to say what I am experiencing in the moment, is a liberating sensation, and not one that I’ve been used to experiencing. At least not this unrestricted, unfiltered and vulnerable. I’ve always been one for laughing when that urge sets in, but crying, or acknowledging my feelings of shame, guilt, embarassment and such, not so much. Letting those feelings shine through somehow meant that I was bad, corrupt, broken. Or so I thought. And that was a thought I believed to be true.

My beloved friends in back office of #skolvåren are another example of this. That’s also a group where I can just be me. And it’s such a wonderful sensation, let me tell you.

And yes, I feel this, sometimes, within my family. Not always. It’s as if the close relationships sometimes makes it harder, because there are so many expectations between all involved. Or is this just my perception of it?

There is the child. As is. And then there is my image of what that child should be, could be. As he/she is not. When I believe in the imaginary image that I am holding my child up against, constantly measuring, checking, judging to see whether or not my child ”fits the part”, I am NOT holding my child in a space of love. Rather the opposite.

There is the spouse. As is. And then there is my image of what that spouse should be, could be. As he/she is not. When I believe in the imaginary image that I am holding my spouse up against, constantly measuring, checking, judging to see whether or not my spouse ”fits the part”, I am NOT holding my spouse in a space of love. Rather the opposite.

And go figure, the more of this I practice, the more of this I get in return. So if I want to be held in a space of love, what better way than holding that space of love myself?

Holding a space of love

Because I can drop the imaginary images, I can shed them, and just be with what is. Be with my child. Be with my spouse. Just be and hold them, from a space of pure love. Because the love is there. That has never been the issue. But it’s been clouded, which has made it harder for said child or spouse to feel held in a space of love. Because love hasn’t been all they have been held within. And that has been the case. Except occationally, when all there has been has been that timeless and unconditional love, undiluted.

Now, this past year, as I’ve been shedding more and more of the layers I’ve been ensconsed within, layers that are no longer serving me, blocking the light within me to shine through, I have also dropped my attachment (most of it? all? is it possible to drop it all? it honestly feels like that most of the time) to the imaginary images, and I am with what is. And that kicks all of my relationships up into a different ball game. And you know what, I’m really curious as to what will unfold from this place and space.

I’m doing more and more holding from a space of love, and it has a calm and peaceful sensation to it. It’s like an exhalation after holding my breath for a while. Holding my breath requires a lot of tension. And the relief when I exhale is palpable. That’s how I feel when I hold a space of love. And I love that. So if I want to be held in a space of love, what better way is there than holding a space of love?