I’m so sorry

I am so sorry, so very very sorry.
For the way it has become.
For my part in it.
For whatever it is that made it this way.

I’m also very tired. Tired of carrying the feeling that there is something to be on the look out for, and that something doesn’t contain any niceties. On the contrary. In something there lies harsh words, needles causing tiny pin pricks, at times just one or two, other times loads of them; sometimes very general, othertimes oh so easy to tell that I’m at bull’s eye and the dart arrow hits right smack in the middle of it, or at least that what it feels like.

Perhaps more than anything, I feel sad about the entire situation. Because I just don’t see the sense in it. And perhaps that affects me more than the rest?

I used to want to make sense of the world, order and structure it to suit my liking, because that made me feel safe and good. I’ve let a lot of that go, but in this instance, at least right now, within my current state of mind while writing this (and who knows if I’ll ever publish it?), I would like to make sense of it.

Won’t you please tell me? Why the animosity? What’s with the pin pricks? What within you makes you believe that’s the way forward? What value do you get from this behaviour? How does this serve you?

I know it doesn’t serve me, at least not in a glaringly obvious way. Perhaps deep down on an unconcious level it does somehow…. what do I know? But it sure doesn’t feel like it does me much good. It drains me of energy. And it’s made me go off one of my favourite pastimes. And that’s a shame, because I really liked hanging around there. Not so much nowadays.

I struggle to make sense of it, and cannot. I uncover a fear or two, that I think can be contributing causes, but, seriously, this has gone on for too long, there has to be more behind it, than just a small fear or two.

coming close

So maybe I did get really close? I certainly let you in, and perhaps, in my loving, I did touch you? Maybe I came close enough to make you see something within you, that perhaps scares you even more? Can that be it?

Well, what do I know?
I don’t. And it’s really not for me to find out either.
I just wish it would stop. I would like to be friends, but barring that, friendly or at least civil would be a great start. More than anything I would like to prove this isn’t how it has to be:

“People want to be loved; failing that admired; failing that feared; failing that hated and despised. They want to evoke some sort of sentiment. The soul shudders before oblivion and seeks connection at any price.”
― Hjalmar Söderberg, Doctor Glas

So what do you say, won’t you please take my outstreched hand and together we can turn a new leaf, start afresh from here, forget what has been and be in the now?

The art of forgiveness

On the art of forgiving by the way, inspired by Hector Black.

I’ve not been best friends with forgivness for a while. Or perhaps best friends isn’t the word for it, but there is something about the way we use it, that rubs me the wrong way. I think we abuse it, telling kids to Say you’re sorry! for almost everything, and brushing it off afterwards, as if that’s that.

The Swedish author Ann Heberlein wrote a great book on forgiveness (in Swedish alas, the title being ”It’s not my fault, on the art of taking responsibility”, and it is thought provoking. She tells a story of a kid being bullied at school. When the bullies wanted to say they were sorry, the victim of the bullying refused to accept their apology, and all of a sudden the tables turned. Suddenly the bullies felt like they were the victims, as their victim refused to forgive them. The original victim of the bullying was more or less ostracized by both kids and adults at the school because she would not accept the apology.

That story gave me a lot to think about, I tell you. There is power in forgiveness, that way we use it, and somehow I feel we might be misusing it?

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Who am I to tell someone to ”say you’re sorry”? And who am I to tell someone to accept that apology?

But I got some new insight into the concept of forgiveness during the first SuperCoach Academy weekend in Santa Monica, when Michael Neill said something like this:

To forgive means to make like it never happened. When you forgive, it means that you essentially go back in time to before what ever it is you forgive took place. If you are not willing to do that, there is no forgiveness.

That was a new take on forgiveness that I have not pondered before. It makes my thinking tumble along, doing a cart wheel or two on the way to more understanding and insight. Putting it into the Heberlein story on the bully and the bullied, I guess the victim of the bullying simply wasn’t willing to act like it never happened. And hence, forgiving her assailants wasn’t an option.

Have you ever thought of forgiveness in this way?